Tales from the Emergency Room – Viewer’s Discretion Advised: Not written to insult the seriousness of hospital visits. Not written for sympathy votes either. Written as a way to practice some healthy coping mechanisms in the face of a stressful event, i.e. positive interpretation, humor, active coping. If you think I made up these terms, please refer to the Google- they are scientific psychological terms. Also, ramblings, thus snuggle in and get comfy.
It’s not until you’re in the face of child-birth-like pains without actually birthing anything that you realize you spend an exorbitant amount of time during your healthy-pain-free hours worrying about a lot of dumb things. It’s only when you are on the brink of not being sure what’s up from down that you are strong enough to cut out everything nonsensical from your brain and heart. In that moment, you are able to see clearly what matters. the. most.
It’s not the “let me go reconnect with myself” kind of feeling. These moments are meant for the beach or a walk in the woods where you go think about life and all its goodness.
It’s more of a non-dramatic “am I going to lose an organ because I held my pee? They will have to cut it out, right? Oh god. I need to text some people, some things.” It’s a moment that feels like you are at the end of the line here and suddenly, you see everything you want at the finish line. No noise. No clutter. Just clarity.
I don’t like to use the word inspire because there is too much heart-swelling feels and not many things really deserve that feeling attached to it. Also, what the heck kind of inspiration is the ER? But yep, the ER made me want to write about the meaning of life. I’ll tell ya that once one starts peeing blood clots, the whole idea of treating it as naturally as possible goes out the window real fast. Then, you know you survived a good thing when your good friend laughs at you and jokes about “pee blood” any chance she can get.
Let’s unfold the process a bit below.
Stage 1: At Home Hoping Things Will Just Be OK
*Hmm, I’ll just drink lots of water, it’ll be fine.
*I need cranberry, that works well, right?
*I’ve peed like 29 times in 32 minutes now, is this right?
*Who’s a Doctor? Who can I call? It’s 11pm, only Safeway is open.
*OH, be brave, just keep peeing, it’ll get better.
*Great, now my stomach hurts. I’m dying.
Stage 2: Googling EVERYTHING
*Starts to google symptoms. WebMD tells me I have effing bladder cancer. OMG. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
*Gets off WebMD and searches :Natural cures for bloody pee. Cranberry, ginger, rest, sleep, pray.
*I am so scared to pee. Now it’s really bloody.
*Anyone, who can I talk to through this? It’s too late, no one’s awake, no one cares!!!
*OMG, that’s a lot of blood. I don’t think cranberry juice is actually even helping.
*What. Even. Who did voodoo on me?!?!
Stage 3: Thinking About Going To The ER
*Wow, maybe I should just go. It’s 1am, maybe I can make it to 8am and then go to urgent care.
*Where’s my insurance card…where’s my wallet?
*Man it’s really, really bloody. I can’t.
Stage 4: Goes to ER
*Maybe I should have called 911 for an ambulance ride. Maybe my 4 yo could have driven me. But, ok let’s man up for a second!
*OMG, Why can’t I park in front? Why are there so many handicap signs?! Do I qualify to park here if I have pee blood?
*Note to self: write hospital to install more parking spots in FRONT of ER. Do not add !@$%^ to letter.
Stage 5: The Wait at the ER
*Oh yay, I got in right away.
*I’ve been lied to… I have to wait outside.
*1 hour’s gone by and I’ve gone to the restroom 829 times.
*I’m going to die, who should I start texting?
Stage 6: I SEE SOME CRACK HEAD IS HAVING A SEIZURE BUT I AM DYING.
*What a jerk, you are not dying, this is curable. You shouldn’t be using the words dying so lightly. Death happens here. Oh man, but is that where I am going?
*Nicely words a complaint to the receptionist and says “I know that person on drugs is having a brain event, but I didn’t do drugs and I just birthed a clot, from my pee hole. Pain level 8/10, I may pass out and I am here alone. Could I possibly get help?”
*Shamefully sits down because the receptionist basically gave me side eye and she holds my life in her hands. Thanks, lady.
Jokes aside…. in these moments…which I sincerely hope you never, ever have to experience…. there are some pivotal, life changing thoughts that could possibly go through your mind.
1. My Family: Man, they are going to be so pissed I might go this way. I’ll call them last so I can gather my thoughts.
2. My Friends: They, too, will be so pissed. We have a pact that basically they can’t leave this earth before me because I refuse to go to their funeral and none of this dust to ashes sprinkling in the sea crap. Why are you, such good people? I hate you. Thank you for listening to all my nonsense. Also, seriously, delete everything, you know nothing after this. You know who you are. I hope one of you goes to the podium and has one nice thing to say about me..if not just make something up, I won’t come back to haunt you.
3. Are eyebrows really that important?? Like, it’s not a big deal but I pretty much wish I had filled them in a bit. Judge me.
4. Seriously serious note: How one takes for granted all the bodily functions until it goes haywire. How one takes for granted the notion of being healthy until we fall sick. How one takes for granted all the important things but agonizes over so many frivolous things that actually make us sick. How soon will I take for granted such things after the antibiotics kick in? Hopefully, that doesn’t happen and that I appreciate the basic functions of the human body until I go to my grave.
And, did I live a good life and accomplish things? Did I tell everyone I am grateful for “thank you”? Who was the last person I said thank you to? The last person I said I love you to? The last person I gave the evil eye to? Did I pay my credit card bill- oh wait, bills don’t matter once you’re gone. Phew, good bye student loans!!! BWHAHAHAHA! Well, what a way to get rid of student loans. I wish I got to work for Bill Gates or Boeing. I wish I ran one more marathon. I wish I drank more coffee but wait, unless that gave me the pee blood…then WORTH IT! I wish I wasn’t such a huge butt face to my family. I wish I tried to get that 6 pack..like the kind on your belly. I wish I didn’t waste time and I wish I didn’t let people waste my time. I wish I did more with my time.
But, thank science and modern medicine for all the drugs that help people. Yes, we all love the natural way of doing things and living but dudes, I have 4 words for you: CLOTS FROM PEE HOLE. I almost think you will want to embrace antibiotics and that drug I can’t even pronounce that turned my pee bright orange, too. *Tight hugs, you drugs*
So, at this point, my only regret is not drinking more water and holding my pee. Really. So dumb. And, since I had that moment of clarity, I’m not going to let it go ever again. I hope you guys have moments of clarity and stick with them. I also hope you don’t have to experience this kind of trauma in order to get that clarity.
Conclusion: Pee often & drink your weight in water!